I have struggled greatly with self doubt. I often times do not feel like I am "good enough" to do said thing....
I am not sure why I have always doubted what I was capable of... you could probably link it abuse early on, or you could say it came from the media telling me I was not skinny enough or tan enough or fit enough, or maybe it was caused in high school because I didn't quiet fit in with any group of girls.... Who really knows what my self doubt stemmed from.... I just know, as long as I can remember, I have struggled with doubting what I could accomplish. I have always had poor self esteem and because I lacked the proper view of myself, i felt as if I was not good enough to do anything well.
I can not tell you the number of things I have wanted to do over the years, but have given up on right after starting out of fear, fear of failure, fear of not meeting approval, fear of not living up to what I truly wanted to do. I know, I know..... so stupid, right?? I gave up because I was afraid I would not meet my own expectations... Looking back, I realize just how silly this was.... But in the middle of it, I could not see past my own self doubt. And on to compound it, because of my low self esteem, I found myself in numerous bad relationships, where I was always told I was not good enough.
So.... I had my prior bad experiences telling me I was no good, I had media telling me I was not perfect (far from it actually), I didn't really fit in with a "group", and I had relationship after relationship telling me I could not do anything right or keep anything good.... How was I supposed to view myself in a good light when I had all these other forces fighting against me, breaking me down from the inside....
Now, breaking my self doubt and regaining my self worth did NOT happen over night... although, sometimes it feels like it did... I think I had been slowly getting little pieces of myself back each day.... Then one day, I just realized, I am so much better than what they say I am. I am stronger than they say I am!!!
So, how did I regaining control of myself, build my self confidence back up? It was not really any actions I took.... Weeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllllll, ok......so kicking dirt bags to the curb was a huge step. Not allowing a man who is supposed to be your life mate to physically abuse you helps a ton.... The constant abuse was finally to a point where I stood up and said ENOUGH!!!!! But after that, it was not really an action changing things.... It is mind set I got into... Have you watched the movie The Help? Where the Aibileen tells the little white girl, "You is Kind! You is Smart! You is Important!"......It was a lot like that... Each morning, and many times throughout the day, I would remind myself, I am important! I have Value! I am better than they think I am!!!! I AM SUPERWOMEN!!!!!!! (being a working single mom I had to tell myself I was superwomen just to help get through the day)......
But the biggest mental tilt came when I had Elijah. Now I am not going to retell that whole story because its to long...But please go back and read Elijah's birthstory if you have not. I was my "LIFE CHANGING EARTH SHATTERING MOMENT!" Was I really ok with who I was, Would I be happy with what I had accomplished, if in fact I had died? I know that sounds so crazy, but these were real thoughts I had while I was in the hospital missing my brand new baby and all my other babies... Would those babies be proud of what "Legacy" I would leave behind if I did not make it?
My Answer: Absolutely not! I had not accomplished anything! I stood for nothing! I had never fought for anything!!! Things were changing.... right there in the yucky hospital room.... my life was forever changing!!!! At that moment, I seized all of my control back. I grabbed hold of all my self doubt and left it right there in the hospital when I checked out.
I had regained my self worth and valued my life and what I stood for!!! And you better believe I was on a mission to let everyone know!!!!!!!
Showing posts with label making the minutes count. Show all posts
Showing posts with label making the minutes count. Show all posts
Friday, June 28, 2013
Monday, May 20, 2013
The Pinnacle Moment My Life Changed Forever
These past few months have been a time of self reflection. I knew I wanted to change my mindset back in January when I started this blog. I truly had no idea that I would be a completely changed person just by changing the way I thought about a couple of things. So lets go back..... Lets start with Elijah's birth story....
The pinnacle moment my life changed (without me even realizing it)....
I had an extremely trying pregnancy with Elijah. I had 3 pre-term babies before him, so I was bound and determined to stay pregnant as long as I possibly could, not matter what it took. I went on bed rest at 18weeks after a minor procedure to help me stay pregnant. Bed rest, was trying in its self... I have 4 other children so....... You can imagine how well that went over... At approximately 20 weeks I started feeling "off"... Out of breath, dizzy, tired.... You know, normal pregnancy symptoms... But it wasn't normal for me, it was very "off" for me. The Doctor, bless his heart, was reassuring that it was all normal stuff and every pregnancy was different.
Fast forward about 8 weeks.... My "normal" symptoms had become so bad that I was ceasing to function. I was so shaky and so dizzy, that I had to sit down in the shower. I had to sit on a stool to prepare dinner for the kids. I even remember a few evenings that I was so "sick" after being up cooking that I couldn't even sit up with them to eat, but walking to the living room was to far, so I laid on the floor right by the table..... I was that bad. But every time I would go into the office, my Doctor would check my blood pressure and heart beats, everything was always low but within normal limits. I was fine on my blood sugars and every other blood test they preformed came back normal..... This was not normal though..... They kept telling me that it was just the stress of having 4 other children while being on bed rest.... I knew in the pit of my stomach that they were wrong.... I just had no idea how wrong all the specialists actually were.
The day I was 36 weeks pregnant, I went into the hospital to have a minor procedure to remove the sutures that were helping me keep the baby in. In a matter of an hour, my entire world would be turned upside down. The procedure to remove the sutures went just as planned with no complications. I was wheeled into recovery to wait for my spinal block to wear off. I could feel the attack coming but I thought/was hoping it was the spinal block wearing off that was making me feel "off".....
As soon as I saw my nurses face, I knew that was not the case. My heart was crashing and I was in sustained Ventricular Tachycardia, a serious life threatening arrhythmia that can cause sudden death. All of a sudden I was caught in a whirl wind of activity. I had 4 doctors and several nurses surrounding me, attending to me, but discussing me as if I was not even there..... It was very surreal to hear the Doctors say things to each other like sudden death, flat line, heart giving out, cardio vert her (the shiny metal shocking paddles)..... I'm sitting right here... And I'm pregnant.... And you need to calm down right now.... Was what I wanted to scream.... But I couldn't find the words!! Was this really happening to me? Was I dying right here when it was supposed to be a simple thing?
I begged them to get my husband... They kept telling me he was coming, but he wasn't... It seemed like an hour before they brought him in... Although I am sure it wasn't actually that long.... I vaguely remember them telling me we had to do an emergency c-section so they could cardio-vert my heart.... If they did it while he was still inside, it would flatline him, with no way to correct him..... I don't know if I agreed, I'm sure I did, but I never signed the consent form until hours after... I remember starting to cry and thinking to myself that I couldn't because I needed to hold it together since I was still alone.... I asked one of the NICU nurses that works with my mom to call her, she told me no, that she couldn't ...
That was the moment I knew I was really in trouble....
They began to wheel me back into the OR for the emergency c-section without my husband. I begged for them to please stop and get him. About that time, they finally brought him in.... By this time, I had been in sustained V-Tach for (my guess by the chart chart records) about 30-40 minutes... I was not even in the OR for two full minutes before they had the baby out... (Thank goodness my spinal block had not worn off or they would have had to put me to sleep)... I heard him cry, just barely though, through the ringing in my ears.... I could honestly feel myself starting to pass out.... The sweet nurse brought him over to me and leaned him down so I could kiss him.... I had no idea this was the last moment I would get to see his soft skin or breath in his glorious newborn scent for 3 full days!!!! I don't remember much right after they took him. He was gone and I couldn't see him and that was all I could think of. They corrected my rhythm (for the time being) and sent me to surgical recovery as opposed OB recovery and rules say no visitors there. So Joseph must have gone out to be with the baby at that point although I don't really remember. I stayed in recovery for a couple hours where I continued to go in and out of V-Tach.
Finally, they decided to move me to ICU.... Here I was, thinking I was going to get to have the baby come in my room for a bit.... But once in ICU I had a new round of nurses who were truly panicking over the state of my heart.... They would come RUNNING in every few minutes to watch me while my heart went in and out of V-Tach... They gave me various medicines to try and correct it, one that even stopped my heart and then would allow it to restart, in hopes that it would restart in the right rhythm. That was one of the most bizarre feelings. I could actually feel my heart stop beating, pause, and then restart again.... I would not recommend that to anyone, ever....
This went on for the next day and a half... They wouldn't let me go down to see the baby for obvious reasons, but they wouldn't let anyone bring the baby up to me either, which was honestly killing me. By the end of the second day, my Doctor agreed to move me to a Telemetry Monitoring Unit, so I could go see the baby while still being on the heart monitors. I actually got excited that I would get to go see him. Little did I know, the deplorable nature of the nurses on the new unit. This group of nurses were the worst bunch of nurses I have ever been exposed to in my entire life. I can't even begin to tell you everything but it ranged from waiting well over an hour to help me get out of bed and walk to the bathroom for the first time since 2 days before when I went in for the first procedure (I ended up getting up myself and crying because the pain was so bad, without them coming to check on me) to them refusing to let me go to see my baby. They claimed my heart was to stressed to sit in a wheelchair and be pushed to the NICU, yet they "let" me get up on my own for the first time.... It ended with me screaming, not just yelling, but screaming at the nurses and calling them incompetent. The other patients could hear, Heck, I'm pretty sure other floors could hear me. My Cardiologist told me I could go see my baby, yet my nurses were claiming I wasn't allowed to... Mama Bear instincts kicked in....Aaaannnndddddd someone may or may not have ordered me anti anxiety meds (that I never took.... I didn't have anxiety, I was just pissed!!!)
My Doctor had decided to fly me out to another hospital to have a heart surgery that our hospital could not perform. It was the end of the 3rd day and I still had not even seen my baby, except that swift kiss in the middle of a sterile OR.... I sat on the edge of the bed and proclaimed that I would refuse to get on the transport unless I got to go see my baby right that minute... (In my head I was afraid for him, afraid I would die, afraid he would never know me, except for that fleeting moment we shared in the OR that he would never remember..... ) The pain I was feeling was suffocating and I was so terrified to admit that I was afraid I would die.... I had a brand new baby and 4 other children (who I also had not been allowed to see since I went in for that 'minor' procedure 3 days earlier..... Finally, the lame nurses agreed to let me go to see my baby, but I was only allowed 20 minutes... Hearing my time restriction was soul crushing... I honestly was terrified of dying on the table during surgery and they were telling me that I only had 20 minutes with my baby!
I drank up every second of that 20 minutes..... And once the 20 minute mark passed, I didn't rush to hurry back to the incompetent nurses, I just waited for them to call for me to come back. I waited until me last possible second to leave him, because I was stricken with fear that this was all he would know of me. I left the hospital an hour later, alone and scared to face a heart surgery with a three day old baby and 4 other children depending on me.
I decided right there in the transport, that I would make every minute count. I would make every day an important day. I didn't know how...but I would be a better Mom because of this. I was going to fight with all my love to get my heart right.
So here we are! Because of that one day, one horrible, awful, painful, soul searching, life changing, world tipping day.... I am here, I am better person. A better wife. And a better mother....
Because at that moment, my life changed forever!!!
The pinnacle moment my life changed (without me even realizing it)....
I had an extremely trying pregnancy with Elijah. I had 3 pre-term babies before him, so I was bound and determined to stay pregnant as long as I possibly could, not matter what it took. I went on bed rest at 18weeks after a minor procedure to help me stay pregnant. Bed rest, was trying in its self... I have 4 other children so....... You can imagine how well that went over... At approximately 20 weeks I started feeling "off"... Out of breath, dizzy, tired.... You know, normal pregnancy symptoms... But it wasn't normal for me, it was very "off" for me. The Doctor, bless his heart, was reassuring that it was all normal stuff and every pregnancy was different.
Fast forward about 8 weeks.... My "normal" symptoms had become so bad that I was ceasing to function. I was so shaky and so dizzy, that I had to sit down in the shower. I had to sit on a stool to prepare dinner for the kids. I even remember a few evenings that I was so "sick" after being up cooking that I couldn't even sit up with them to eat, but walking to the living room was to far, so I laid on the floor right by the table..... I was that bad. But every time I would go into the office, my Doctor would check my blood pressure and heart beats, everything was always low but within normal limits. I was fine on my blood sugars and every other blood test they preformed came back normal..... This was not normal though..... They kept telling me that it was just the stress of having 4 other children while being on bed rest.... I knew in the pit of my stomach that they were wrong.... I just had no idea how wrong all the specialists actually were.
The day I was 36 weeks pregnant, I went into the hospital to have a minor procedure to remove the sutures that were helping me keep the baby in. In a matter of an hour, my entire world would be turned upside down. The procedure to remove the sutures went just as planned with no complications. I was wheeled into recovery to wait for my spinal block to wear off. I could feel the attack coming but I thought/was hoping it was the spinal block wearing off that was making me feel "off".....
As soon as I saw my nurses face, I knew that was not the case. My heart was crashing and I was in sustained Ventricular Tachycardia, a serious life threatening arrhythmia that can cause sudden death. All of a sudden I was caught in a whirl wind of activity. I had 4 doctors and several nurses surrounding me, attending to me, but discussing me as if I was not even there..... It was very surreal to hear the Doctors say things to each other like sudden death, flat line, heart giving out, cardio vert her (the shiny metal shocking paddles)..... I'm sitting right here... And I'm pregnant.... And you need to calm down right now.... Was what I wanted to scream.... But I couldn't find the words!! Was this really happening to me? Was I dying right here when it was supposed to be a simple thing?
I begged them to get my husband... They kept telling me he was coming, but he wasn't... It seemed like an hour before they brought him in... Although I am sure it wasn't actually that long.... I vaguely remember them telling me we had to do an emergency c-section so they could cardio-vert my heart.... If they did it while he was still inside, it would flatline him, with no way to correct him..... I don't know if I agreed, I'm sure I did, but I never signed the consent form until hours after... I remember starting to cry and thinking to myself that I couldn't because I needed to hold it together since I was still alone.... I asked one of the NICU nurses that works with my mom to call her, she told me no, that she couldn't ...
That was the moment I knew I was really in trouble....
They began to wheel me back into the OR for the emergency c-section without my husband. I begged for them to please stop and get him. About that time, they finally brought him in.... By this time, I had been in sustained V-Tach for (my guess by the chart chart records) about 30-40 minutes... I was not even in the OR for two full minutes before they had the baby out... (Thank goodness my spinal block had not worn off or they would have had to put me to sleep)... I heard him cry, just barely though, through the ringing in my ears.... I could honestly feel myself starting to pass out.... The sweet nurse brought him over to me and leaned him down so I could kiss him.... I had no idea this was the last moment I would get to see his soft skin or breath in his glorious newborn scent for 3 full days!!!! I don't remember much right after they took him. He was gone and I couldn't see him and that was all I could think of. They corrected my rhythm (for the time being) and sent me to surgical recovery as opposed OB recovery and rules say no visitors there. So Joseph must have gone out to be with the baby at that point although I don't really remember. I stayed in recovery for a couple hours where I continued to go in and out of V-Tach.
Finally, they decided to move me to ICU.... Here I was, thinking I was going to get to have the baby come in my room for a bit.... But once in ICU I had a new round of nurses who were truly panicking over the state of my heart.... They would come RUNNING in every few minutes to watch me while my heart went in and out of V-Tach... They gave me various medicines to try and correct it, one that even stopped my heart and then would allow it to restart, in hopes that it would restart in the right rhythm. That was one of the most bizarre feelings. I could actually feel my heart stop beating, pause, and then restart again.... I would not recommend that to anyone, ever....
This went on for the next day and a half... They wouldn't let me go down to see the baby for obvious reasons, but they wouldn't let anyone bring the baby up to me either, which was honestly killing me. By the end of the second day, my Doctor agreed to move me to a Telemetry Monitoring Unit, so I could go see the baby while still being on the heart monitors. I actually got excited that I would get to go see him. Little did I know, the deplorable nature of the nurses on the new unit. This group of nurses were the worst bunch of nurses I have ever been exposed to in my entire life. I can't even begin to tell you everything but it ranged from waiting well over an hour to help me get out of bed and walk to the bathroom for the first time since 2 days before when I went in for the first procedure (I ended up getting up myself and crying because the pain was so bad, without them coming to check on me) to them refusing to let me go to see my baby. They claimed my heart was to stressed to sit in a wheelchair and be pushed to the NICU, yet they "let" me get up on my own for the first time.... It ended with me screaming, not just yelling, but screaming at the nurses and calling them incompetent. The other patients could hear, Heck, I'm pretty sure other floors could hear me. My Cardiologist told me I could go see my baby, yet my nurses were claiming I wasn't allowed to... Mama Bear instincts kicked in....Aaaannnndddddd someone may or may not have ordered me anti anxiety meds (that I never took.... I didn't have anxiety, I was just pissed!!!)
My Doctor had decided to fly me out to another hospital to have a heart surgery that our hospital could not perform. It was the end of the 3rd day and I still had not even seen my baby, except that swift kiss in the middle of a sterile OR.... I sat on the edge of the bed and proclaimed that I would refuse to get on the transport unless I got to go see my baby right that minute... (In my head I was afraid for him, afraid I would die, afraid he would never know me, except for that fleeting moment we shared in the OR that he would never remember..... ) The pain I was feeling was suffocating and I was so terrified to admit that I was afraid I would die.... I had a brand new baby and 4 other children (who I also had not been allowed to see since I went in for that 'minor' procedure 3 days earlier..... Finally, the lame nurses agreed to let me go to see my baby, but I was only allowed 20 minutes... Hearing my time restriction was soul crushing... I honestly was terrified of dying on the table during surgery and they were telling me that I only had 20 minutes with my baby!
I drank up every second of that 20 minutes..... And once the 20 minute mark passed, I didn't rush to hurry back to the incompetent nurses, I just waited for them to call for me to come back. I waited until me last possible second to leave him, because I was stricken with fear that this was all he would know of me. I left the hospital an hour later, alone and scared to face a heart surgery with a three day old baby and 4 other children depending on me.
I decided right there in the transport, that I would make every minute count. I would make every day an important day. I didn't know how...but I would be a better Mom because of this. I was going to fight with all my love to get my heart right.
So here we are! Because of that one day, one horrible, awful, painful, soul searching, life changing, world tipping day.... I am here, I am better person. A better wife. And a better mother....
Because at that moment, my life changed forever!!!
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