Self Doubt VS Self Worth

I have struggled greatly with self doubt. I often times do not feel like I am "good enough" to do said thing....

I am not sure why I have always doubted what I was capable of... you could probably link it abuse early on, or you could say it came from the media telling me I was not skinny enough or tan enough or fit enough, or maybe it was caused in high school because I didn't quiet fit in with any group of girls.... Who really knows what my self doubt stemmed  from.... I just know, as long as I can remember, I have struggled with doubting what I could accomplish. I have always had poor self esteem and because I lacked the proper view of myself, i felt as if I was not good enough to do anything well.

I can not tell you the number of things I have wanted to do over the years, but have given up on right after starting out of fear, fear of failure, fear of not meeting approval, fear of not living up to what I truly wanted to do. I know, I know..... so stupid, right?? I gave up because I was afraid I would not meet my own expectations... Looking back, I realize just how silly this was.... But in the middle of it, I could not see past my own self doubt. And on to compound it, because of my low self esteem, I found myself in numerous bad relationships, where I was always told I was not good enough.

So.... I had my prior bad experiences telling me I was no good, I had media telling me I was not perfect (far from it actually), I didn't really fit in with a "group", and I had relationship after relationship telling me I could not do anything right or keep anything good.... How was I supposed to view myself in a good light when I had all these other forces fighting against me, breaking me down from the inside....

Now, breaking my self doubt and regaining my self worth did NOT happen over night... although, sometimes it feels like it did... I think I had been slowly getting little pieces of myself back each day.... Then one day, I just realized, I am so much better than what they say I am. I am stronger than they say I am!!!

So, how did I regaining control of myself, build my self confidence back up? It was not really any actions I took.... Weeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllllll, ok......so kicking dirt bags to the curb was a huge step. Not allowing a man who is supposed to be your life mate to physically abuse you helps a ton.... The constant abuse was finally to a point where I stood up and said ENOUGH!!!!!  But after that, it was not really an action changing things.... It is mind set I got into... Have you watched the movie The Help? Where the Aibileen tells the little white girl, "You is Kind! You is Smart! You is Important!"......It was a lot like that... Each morning, and many times throughout the day, I would remind myself, I am important! I have Value! I am better than they think I am!!!! I AM SUPERWOMEN!!!!!!! (being a working single mom I had to tell myself I was superwomen just to help get through the day)......

But the biggest mental tilt came when I had Elijah. Now I am not going to retell that whole story because its to long...But please go back and read Elijah's birthstory if you have not. I was my "LIFE CHANGING EARTH SHATTERING MOMENT!"  Was I really ok with who I was, Would I be happy with what I had accomplished, if in fact I had died? I know that sounds so crazy, but these were real thoughts I had while I was in the hospital missing my brand new baby and all my other babies... Would those babies be proud of what "Legacy" I would leave behind if I did not make it?

My Answer: Absolutely not! I had not accomplished anything! I stood for nothing! I had never fought for anything!!! Things were changing.... right there in the yucky hospital room.... my life was forever changing!!!! At that moment, I seized all of my control back. I grabbed hold of all my self doubt and left it right there in the hospital when I checked out.

I had regained my self worth and valued my life and what I stood for!!! And you better believe I was on a mission to let everyone know!!!!!!!

A Case of the Morning Grumpies.......

I am not a morning person, by nature... (also by nurture I guess, because my Mom is not a morning person either)  So I am not really surprised that my children are not morning people either, unless its a weekend or I just got the baby to sleep after a colicky night, then they are awake at first light.... And by not morning people, I really mean, monstrous beast children for the first hour or so they are awake. 

I do not do mornings with grace. I dread the second my alarm is set to go off. I loath having to go wake sweet cuddly sleeping children from their warm cocoon of a covers. But we have 3 school-agers in our house, so crazy weekday school mornings are just a part of life in our home.  We have come up with a plan that alleviates as much of the Grumpies as possible though. We have our children prepare as much as they can the night before. We choose outfits and jackets and lay them out on the floor. We place our homework and reading books inside our bags, then put all the bags by the front door. Everyone showers at night, so that saves us precious minutes in the morning. My husband and I pack the lunches and put them in the fridge. I get out bowls or plates or whatever implement needed to serve their breakfast on and place a banana by each setting. 

Even with all this preparedness, we still wake with yucky moods and grumpy attitudes...

This morning was especially brutal, although the monkeys all went to sleep on time, I was up all night with our 9mth old who caught the flu. I also forgot to purchase coffee creamer yesterday, so I was a little slow on the coffee uptake. No one liked the clothes that were laid out, even though they picked them.  "This feels funny, That is rubbing my skin, My pants are falling off (due to not paying attention to who's stack of clothes the 7yr old was putting on and picking up his older brothers instead)".... Oh and the fighting, fighting, fighting!!!!! I truly do not remember fighting with my brothers before school... Although, I am sure we did, as most siblings do. 

Pulling out of the school from dropping the last child off, I breathed in the silence that now filled my SUV... I braved another morning, Momma 1 - Kiddos 0... Now I can start my day, I thought to myself!!!

As I turned out of the driveway and headed west, I took a deep breath. Looking out the window, the streets and buildings had yet to be warmed by the glow of the sun. The sun had only reached it fingerlings of warmth on Buckhorn Summit. Its snow covered peaks were bathed in warm yellow light. The hills truly glistened in the rays. I was in awe of just how majestic a simple mountain could be if painted with just the right light and viewed with hearts and souls bared.

It took a trying morning to make my soul raw and open to remind me how beautiful everything can be if looked at with heart. Divine Intervention 1 - Momma 0....





I recently purchased some antique Ball mason jars at a neat store in Salem, Oregon. (My great-grand father used to work for Ball making mason jars and glasses so they have a special place in my heart.) The clerk told me these particular jars were from 1910's although I have done no research on these jars since I made my purchase over the Holiday Season.... I was not to sure what to do with them when I saw Pin for a Thankful Jar on Pinterest... I decided at the start of this journey I would turn one of my jars into a Simple Joys Jar...



Whenever any member of our family sees a Simply Joy, we tear off a piece of paper and write it down with the date, fold it and toss it in. We will continue to collect these little notes through out the year, as yet another way to document our Simply Joys. On New Years Eve, between Champagne  and Sparkling Cider, Chips and Pizzas, Board Games and Balls Dropping, we will each take turns reading a slip of paper to our family. We will all be able to relish in all the Simple Joys we cherished on each of the days all over again. Just sneaking a peak at some of the slips the kids have already put in made me realize just how truly blessed we are.

The next of my New Year~New Me purchases was just a simple canvas sign from TJ Maxx for $16.99 (Man, I love that store!!!)  It lists very easy, common sense Family Rules... But these are the type of rules that are quickly forgotten in the hustle bustle of a very large, very busy family....well, in any busy family for that matter... 

I put this up on my wall in the dining room, where its easily seen during  at least two meals a day. My kiddos even take turns reading the "Family Rules" at the dinner table every few days.





My kids loved this sign so much and worked so hard to abide by all of these "Rules" I had to purchase this next sign when I saw it. We have epic food stand offs at the dinner table in our home... It is very possible that I house THE WORLDS PICKIEST EATERS..... Have you ever met a child who cant stand pizza?? Well, He is 11 and lives under my roof.... We have another that can only eat Peanut Butter Toast and a Banana for breakfast. Every. Single. Morning.....  

If they begin to protest, I simply point to the sign and say "This is it Folks, Take it or Leave it!" It has actually really helped matters. And I found it at Orchard Supply & Hardware, of all places!!!!

Cherish the little things...
Drink in the smell of baby hair...
Pay Attention and do not miss the Simple Joys in Life!!!!