Self Doubt VS Self Worth

I have struggled greatly with self doubt. I often times do not feel like I am "good enough" to do said thing....

I am not sure why I have always doubted what I was capable of... you could probably link it abuse early on, or you could say it came from the media telling me I was not skinny enough or tan enough or fit enough, or maybe it was caused in high school because I didn't quiet fit in with any group of girls.... Who really knows what my self doubt stemmed  from.... I just know, as long as I can remember, I have struggled with doubting what I could accomplish. I have always had poor self esteem and because I lacked the proper view of myself, i felt as if I was not good enough to do anything well.

I can not tell you the number of things I have wanted to do over the years, but have given up on right after starting out of fear, fear of failure, fear of not meeting approval, fear of not living up to what I truly wanted to do. I know, I know..... so stupid, right?? I gave up because I was afraid I would not meet my own expectations... Looking back, I realize just how silly this was.... But in the middle of it, I could not see past my own self doubt. And on to compound it, because of my low self esteem, I found myself in numerous bad relationships, where I was always told I was not good enough.

So.... I had my prior bad experiences telling me I was no good, I had media telling me I was not perfect (far from it actually), I didn't really fit in with a "group", and I had relationship after relationship telling me I could not do anything right or keep anything good.... How was I supposed to view myself in a good light when I had all these other forces fighting against me, breaking me down from the inside....

Now, breaking my self doubt and regaining my self worth did NOT happen over night... although, sometimes it feels like it did... I think I had been slowly getting little pieces of myself back each day.... Then one day, I just realized, I am so much better than what they say I am. I am stronger than they say I am!!!

So, how did I regaining control of myself, build my self confidence back up? It was not really any actions I took.... Weeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllllll, ok......so kicking dirt bags to the curb was a huge step. Not allowing a man who is supposed to be your life mate to physically abuse you helps a ton.... The constant abuse was finally to a point where I stood up and said ENOUGH!!!!!  But after that, it was not really an action changing things.... It is mind set I got into... Have you watched the movie The Help? Where the Aibileen tells the little white girl, "You is Kind! You is Smart! You is Important!"......It was a lot like that... Each morning, and many times throughout the day, I would remind myself, I am important! I have Value! I am better than they think I am!!!! I AM SUPERWOMEN!!!!!!! (being a working single mom I had to tell myself I was superwomen just to help get through the day)......

But the biggest mental tilt came when I had Elijah. Now I am not going to retell that whole story because its to long...But please go back and read Elijah's birthstory if you have not. I was my "LIFE CHANGING EARTH SHATTERING MOMENT!"  Was I really ok with who I was, Would I be happy with what I had accomplished, if in fact I had died? I know that sounds so crazy, but these were real thoughts I had while I was in the hospital missing my brand new baby and all my other babies... Would those babies be proud of what "Legacy" I would leave behind if I did not make it?

My Answer: Absolutely not! I had not accomplished anything! I stood for nothing! I had never fought for anything!!! Things were changing.... right there in the yucky hospital room.... my life was forever changing!!!! At that moment, I seized all of my control back. I grabbed hold of all my self doubt and left it right there in the hospital when I checked out.

I had regained my self worth and valued my life and what I stood for!!! And you better believe I was on a mission to let everyone know!!!!!!!