Self Doubt VS Self Worth

I have struggled greatly with self doubt. I often times do not feel like I am "good enough" to do said thing....

I am not sure why I have always doubted what I was capable of... you could probably link it abuse early on, or you could say it came from the media telling me I was not skinny enough or tan enough or fit enough, or maybe it was caused in high school because I didn't quiet fit in with any group of girls.... Who really knows what my self doubt stemmed  from.... I just know, as long as I can remember, I have struggled with doubting what I could accomplish. I have always had poor self esteem and because I lacked the proper view of myself, i felt as if I was not good enough to do anything well.

I can not tell you the number of things I have wanted to do over the years, but have given up on right after starting out of fear, fear of failure, fear of not meeting approval, fear of not living up to what I truly wanted to do. I know, I know..... so stupid, right?? I gave up because I was afraid I would not meet my own expectations... Looking back, I realize just how silly this was.... But in the middle of it, I could not see past my own self doubt. And on to compound it, because of my low self esteem, I found myself in numerous bad relationships, where I was always told I was not good enough.

So.... I had my prior bad experiences telling me I was no good, I had media telling me I was not perfect (far from it actually), I didn't really fit in with a "group", and I had relationship after relationship telling me I could not do anything right or keep anything good.... How was I supposed to view myself in a good light when I had all these other forces fighting against me, breaking me down from the inside....

Now, breaking my self doubt and regaining my self worth did NOT happen over night... although, sometimes it feels like it did... I think I had been slowly getting little pieces of myself back each day.... Then one day, I just realized, I am so much better than what they say I am. I am stronger than they say I am!!!

So, how did I regaining control of myself, build my self confidence back up? It was not really any actions I took.... Weeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllllll, ok......so kicking dirt bags to the curb was a huge step. Not allowing a man who is supposed to be your life mate to physically abuse you helps a ton.... The constant abuse was finally to a point where I stood up and said ENOUGH!!!!!  But after that, it was not really an action changing things.... It is mind set I got into... Have you watched the movie The Help? Where the Aibileen tells the little white girl, "You is Kind! You is Smart! You is Important!"......It was a lot like that... Each morning, and many times throughout the day, I would remind myself, I am important! I have Value! I am better than they think I am!!!! I AM SUPERWOMEN!!!!!!! (being a working single mom I had to tell myself I was superwomen just to help get through the day)......

But the biggest mental tilt came when I had Elijah. Now I am not going to retell that whole story because its to long...But please go back and read Elijah's birthstory if you have not. I was my "LIFE CHANGING EARTH SHATTERING MOMENT!"  Was I really ok with who I was, Would I be happy with what I had accomplished, if in fact I had died? I know that sounds so crazy, but these were real thoughts I had while I was in the hospital missing my brand new baby and all my other babies... Would those babies be proud of what "Legacy" I would leave behind if I did not make it?

My Answer: Absolutely not! I had not accomplished anything! I stood for nothing! I had never fought for anything!!! Things were changing.... right there in the yucky hospital room.... my life was forever changing!!!! At that moment, I seized all of my control back. I grabbed hold of all my self doubt and left it right there in the hospital when I checked out.

I had regained my self worth and valued my life and what I stood for!!! And you better believe I was on a mission to let everyone know!!!!!!!

Castle Lake Trail and Family Adventures

We decided we would take all five kids on a hiking trip this weekend. We really wanted to go to Mossbrae Falls, but from everything I have read, the trail is still closed and Union Pacific will cite you for trespassing on tracks to get out there, so we chose not risk a ticket.... Plus since we were out numbered on our Adult to Child ratio, I didn't feel all that comfortable hiking down the railroad tracks for a full mile. So we decided to go on up to Mt. Shasta and hike around Castle Lake and Heart Lake. Oh my am I glad we did!!!! It was truly breath taking!!!!!!

The surface elevation of Castle Lake is 5,440 feet above sea level. The lake itself is beautiful, backed by a huge glacier carved area of granite. I was truly in awe of all the natural beauty around us, that often gets missed because we are to busy to notice! We decided to go hike first, even though the kids wanted to swim first (I was afraid we wouldn't get them out of the water to actually hike!)

Side note: once we were up there, I couldn't log on to check the map of the hike on the website.... Future reference, I will definitely be printing the directions/map/trail info next time we area going into an area we have never hiked...

Needless to say, we took the wrong trail, however I think where we ended up was one of the most beautiful locations I have ever been in my life!!

We hiked up and over the ridge, climbing a good 1000+ feet in elevation!!! It was pretty steep and if you do this hike, make sure you have good traction, close toed shoes... This hike was not for sissies!!!! I did have to take a few breaks along the way... (I'm still fairly out of shape from bed rest and heart issues.... And the extreme elevation was seriously working against me..... Plus I was packing my chubby monkey boy on my back while my hubs had the 2.5 yr old on his)

Up and up and up we went... And up some more.... The kids joked that we were hiking to the top of the world! Little did they know, we actually were!!!! We hiked up past the timber line! (Now on the actual Mt. Shasta, the timber line stops at 8000ft but I am not sure we were that high.) But once we got to the top you could see everything!!! It was truly the most beautiful view I have ever witnessed in my life!!!



The kids found Bigfoots signs (stacks of rocks they swear he left), succulents growing in the rocks they swore only grew in the desert, and views for miles..... No joke, you could probably see for a couple hundred miles up there!! Pristine Views!!!!! We could see everything from where we were, Mt Shasta to Mt Lassen to Mt McLaughlin, the Eddy Range and even Castle Crags!!!! What an amazing and breath taking world we get the privilege of living in!!!!

We spent close to an hour at the top, just looking and watching and being present!! I caught this rare moment of the two oldest just being buddies and hanging out! A priceless moment that I could never have planned and that I will always cherish!!!!




We then hiked back down the side of the ridge, and here is where good traction shoes comes into play the most. Coming down the granite and shale slope was a little tricky packing a babe.... But only one of the kids fell coming down and it was because he jumped off a ledge and landed in some loose shale.... The hike made everyone nice and sweaty, so even though it was only 75 degrees and the water was fresh snow melt, everyone got into the water in the lake!

We ended the day with dinner at a local, family owned restaurant in Mt Shasta. Everyone worked so hard on the hike, they were starving by dinner!!

All in all, it was an amazing day with pristine views!!!!!!